


Painfull Memories

by toto_nn



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, First time writing, M/M, Multi, Poor Simon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, to many characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-01-16 17:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18526654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toto_nn/pseuds/toto_nn
Summary: Simon Lewis has always been known to be as the dorky guy, a normal mundane, nothing interesting. Just the fact that he had PTSD from memories which hunted him every second of his life. And that he had two massive and absurd crushes on the most impossible people on earth. Depression only made everything worst.





	1. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (okay this is my first time doing a shadowhunter fanfiction, i've done multiple stuff from many other things but never quite publish them. English is not my first language so if you see any mistakes please forgive me XD.

 

 

Lonelines was something Simon was used to, but never like this. His best friend Clary really got into beig a shadowhunter. Jace bullied him a lot and Alc just straight hated him. Izzy was cool but she found out who her soulmate was. Magnus never really remembered his name besides the warlock only wanted to be with the tall moody shadowhunter. And Raphael...well Rapha didn't want to do anything with a traitor.

Everybody was busy with the Valentine stuff, he really wanted to help he really did. But he's always pushed away. He couln't blame them though, Simon was only an awkward nerdy skinny fledgling, he knew nothing about this world. The brunnette was currently sitting in the boat house that Luke has given him. He was lonely nothing new, but his prescripted pills worked no more in his body, they were rejected almost inmediatly, every time he put them in his mouth he could taste the chemicals of the pill. His depression was out of control enhancing his feelings, making everything worst.

He was only a burden, just like his step-dad used to say. his heart ached and bloody tears fell down his face. he made no sound at all suffering in an agonizing silence, all alone. He got up of the canoe he was maybe it was better if he just dissapeared from everyone lifes. he was nothing but a waste of space, a freak, in some way alive but no human, but too human to even fit with his own people. Simon opened the door, it was almost pitch black outside, he looked behind him. Even if this was a boat house, a liitle bit ruined and dusty, a freak has lived here. He tainted it.

 _"what am i doing?"_ he whispered, his mind was a mess he no longer knew what he was thinking, he was insane again. irrational. _"shit!"_ he punched a wall, making him wince alittle for the pain. two voices were in his head, one being a little bit louder than the other one

 **leave** it said you **are nothing, nobody would miss you, Magnus has Alec, Clary has Jace, izzy has her soulmate and Raphael, hah raphael wants to kill you** _"you are wrong, Mia and luke...Jocelyn they"_ **what they would care for you?who are you kidding Mia pities you, luke and jocelyn only talked to you for your shadowhunter friend**

Great now he was fighting himself, he truly was insane now. But the voice was right, even if it hurt and it made him cry again it was right. Simon opened the door completely and stared at the dark sky. with trembling hands he hugged himself as if to have some kind of comfort "okay..okay" he hesitated a little before he began to walk slowly. He had no family, no friends and was a fucking freak with a voice in his head. He smiled bitterly no longer crying bloody tears. An idea popped out

"what do you think?" he asked to the voice **good, good! jajajajajaja you aren't such an idiot after all** he smiled a little more, yeah it was a good idea, it was time to go with his father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done! ok any suggestion please be free to comment, i was thinking of drawing some scenes for each chapter but i'm not sure :3


	2. EMPTY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so for whatever reason my second chapter draft got erased, like wtf? anyways i read the first chapter and realized it was a little bit cringy. I'll try to write them better!

He was slowly walking, even if he had the oportunity to arrive to the cementery in mere seconds. Simon wanted to have a las taste of his life, or un-dead one. Humming a slow song he did not remember the name of, the skinny boy walked throught he dark empty streets of New York  city.

 **Hey kid how did you dad died? -** asked the voice, which was deeper than his

your in my head, you should know- answered Simon with cofusion

 **I am but at the same time i am not, you need to talk to me for me to know-** This time the voice was pretty calm, not like a couple of hours ago

don't say that. it makes you way creepier -sighed Simon, seconds later he answered - cancer, when i was a kid he died form cancer

 **you sure? -** Simon frowned and scoffed -what do you mean am i sure? of course i am, i was there that day!

**sometimes voices bring up a reality you wish not to adknowledge**

"what did that even mean? the voice in his head just went all Edgar-Allan-Poe on him" Before Simon could voice his thoughts he arrived at the cementery. The teenager broke the lock and opened the metal door. Slowly he walked to his destination, to his father's grave. When he arrived the stone had The Star of David. Breathing heavily he wiped his eyes before any more tears could fall, he had cried enough that day.

-hey dad- his voice trembeled- i...my life is such a mess, heh if you can even called it life more like my un-dead life....does that even makes sense? how can an un-dead life be a life you know? cause like you know i'm kinda dead - **you are rambling again-** shit sorry

-anyways, i've- his lip quivered- i've come to join you dad, i *hick* i miss you so, so much dad. i really hope you receive me with open arms- minutes passed in silence until the deep voice in his head decided to speak again

 **you are talking to an empty tomb -** w_what do you mean? this is not time for jokes nor lies!! 

 **i can't lie to you dumbass -** the voice was so confusing at one moment it's bullying him then the next he is nice to him then agh!!

T_then why d_d_did you said that  **'cause it's true, devil you are dense are you not? your dad's tomb is empty. there is nothing there**

simon eyes widened -t_that can be true!! you are lying!!! lying!! **¡¡¡** **I'M NOT, YOU STUPID CHILD. CHECK THE TOMB!!!**

This last sentence felt more like a command, he shouldn't it's his father grave, he would disrespect his memory. But the voice said he wasn't lying and he sounded so sure. This time with great speed and strenght Simon digged till he saw the casket "i'm so sorry" he thought, he would find the body and everything would be cool, he would be there right? his father must be there, he musthemusthemusthemusthemusthemust

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he opened it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Told you**

 


	3. STORM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now what? Where is his father? wHeRe?!!!!

His lungs were hurting, why they were hurting? he didn't need to breath he was death. nononononononononoonno dad dad dad dad dad dad! his mouth slowly got dry and his hands began to curl themselves in a weird position. He could not understand what was happening. he sat inside the casket curled up and shaking. 

**He is alive**

Simon covered his ears with his clamy hands, uselessly trying to block the voice in his head -you are lying, dad was dead, mom buried him here we attended his funeral! i_i was there at the hospital the day he died- his voice was loud, almost screaming- the voice only laughed cruelly 

**you did, but you didn't are you sure your memories are straight kid?**

**-** i'm not crazy, you are! i know what i saw he was there death claiming him in his through his illness-

**oh but you are crazy, you are hearing a voice after all. Nevertheless try to remember that day**

the voice suddenly began to have a very british accent, for some reason this made his eyes water, closing his eyes to not spill anymore pathetic bloody tears the baby vampire tried to recall that day, the day his father had died at the hospital.

-we were laughing even though it was hurting him, talking about Spiderman, i remember he suddenly wwnt very quiet and in the next second he was coughing blood. Nurses and doctors rushed me out of the room while i was in shock. couple of minutes later the doctor wenr out and looked at me with sad eyes then hugged me while he said that daddy was with God now-

 **that is not everything and you know it** growled the voice

he no longer had his ears covered with his hands, he shaked his head -mom said it was only a dream- he whispered

 **was it really? what did you see?** Simon did not answer  **WhAt DiD yOu SeE?!** the voice screamed so loud it made his head hurt. Memories started to come into his mind, it was like a storm.

-I SAW HIM.... i saw him- he whispered -i saw him walking out if the room with some guy i didn't know...but mom said it was just shcok! that my mind counl't handle such preasure-

Once again the voice was strangely calm when it talked to him  **Kid how did the guy looked?**

-what do you mean how he looked? it was just some random guy maybe a friend. All dressed in black leather some tattoos sticking out of his shirt

 **what kind of tattoos?** asked the voice, the brunette didn't like how this made him uneasy

-they were just some lines- he asnwered honestly - one of them looked like Jace's...-

 **jace's?** he could almost hear the smile of the voice

 **-** Runes- he said, his eyes opened in shock. Something was stinging his heart as some more memories came into his mind, but this time with a little extra. This time, his father had the same marks Jace and Alec have.

**i think, your suicide must be delayed honey**

yeah....i think, it's time me and mom have a little talk.- He didn't noticed how his face showed poisoning anger. and his voice had a vicious tone when he spoke.

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________________-

IN THE BOAT HOUSE

-He is not here, the vampire is not here- informed a deep voice

-Alec- 

-i know jace...i know. We must tell Magnus, the demonic presence he felt was in the boat house and now- The tall shadow hunter didn't finished the sentence

-now Simon is not here, dammit vampire- he cursed

 

 


	4. FIRST BLOOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo i'm finally in vacation but i'm already bored XD for the ones that are reading this i'll probably update more often now tham i'm able to. By the chapter title you can already guess what is gonna happen
> 
> WARNING! The chapter contains desciptive violence if you do not like this type of content i kindly recomed you to leave. for the fic will turn darker and more violent as it evolves.

It's amazing how the time can fly so fast. Black was consuming simon's soul, if he had one at least. His mother was acting clueless to his questions and he hated it. He could hear her heartbeats growing faster each time he mentioned his father.

**lying bitch**

yeah, she is

His mother looked at him scared and concerned -H_Honey who are you talking to?- she asked from the cold floor she was kneeling. Simon smiled viciously and tilted his head to the right. 

-you see mother dearest- he crouched in front of her, the smile never leaving his pale face -i have a friend hehehe a very special friend right.here- he tapped his head. His mother looked even more scared - now lady, for the last time. where is my father- his mother answered him with a shaky voice

-i don't know- he growled

-LIAR!  **yeah, she is a liar. she never liked lies now did she? remember what she did to liars kid?**

the brunette stood up and grabbed his mother hair and dragged her all the way to the kitchen ignoring her screams of pain. ignoring her screams telling him to stop.  **make her suffer just like she used to do whe you were younger** "always hated her hair" with his vampire streght he could do anything he wanted. Simon put a hand in her head and pushed. Slowly tearing her hair off, he scalp. Blood dripped out of her head little drops tainting the white clean floor. At the end he had a bunch of hair in his hand and her head was partially bald. Throwing the useless hair he pushed her to the floor and caged her with his lanky body. With a hand he traced the lady's throat to her left shoulder. He grabbed and yank. Succeesfully breaking her bone and tearing muscle and some skin, but not quite ripping it off.

-say mother- he said sweetly - have you ever had your bones cracked?-  **oh my**

He yanked her other shoulder making her scream ever more louder if possible. taking her wrists with one hand Simon straighted them up, and with his elbow he hitted hers. Her elbows piercing skin drawing even more blood. She could no longer scream anymore. Only pathetic gasps leaving her mouth.  **crusty** -said the voice with hunger

**-** maybe i'll leave you like this, all broken and bloody in the kitchen floor. just like you did all those times-  **not a bad idea, do not forget to take something to eat child -** the british accent had come back it seemed

 -something to eat you say?- he asked -oh i know! i always liked candy i don't want to damage them before i eat it though hmm- he said in a childish voice. lighting up the stove he heated a spoon -i saw this in a movie once, i hope it works-  **it will**

with no hesitation the pale boy practically slapped a thin hand in the lady's face stopping her from squirming any further and with no regret he caved out her eye


	5. REGRET?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i have been pretty busy with my club but im back :'D by the way s_rose i absolutely love you. thank you for supporting me :3

murdermurdermurdermurdermurdermurder MURDER! Simon was staring at his mother eye. his back against an alley wall near his old home. 

 **you killed her** simon could practically hear the satisfaction -i...i dind't mean to i....i w...was j..just so m...mad-  **i...i..i kn...know** mocked the voice  **do you regret it? don't lie to yourself kid**

-no- he whispered, he knew he didn't regret it and that what scared him the most. he just killed his mother. yeah she was a bitch many times but before his dad died she was so nice. he was his mother no matter what, SImon should feel something, anything else than happiness 

 **she was no mother -** again with the English man voice-  **A mother loves, a mother feeds, a mother teaches and sometimes a mother punishes. But a mother shall never scarred her offspring for is the most beautifull gift se shall ever have.** - 

did you get that of a book? -askes the brunette. the voice had sounded so serious, so sad an pitiful at the same time.

 **does it matter?** _"yes it does after all you"_ **moreover that is one hell of a sweet isn't it?**

SImon stared at the eye, and unconciously licked his lips, fangs popping out.  **EaT iT** it commanded. and SImon obeyed. Putting the whole thing in his mouth he chewed. And sigh at the amazing taste he encountered within the organ. It was like gum and had the oh so marvelous flavor of a vanilla flan. - yummy- SImon said in a child-like voice and a small smile atached 

-hey buddy, where do you thing my father is?- 

**your daddy? i have no idea not gonna lie but. but i'll help you find him**

-how?- simon tilted his face like a puppy

**well you did see something, your mother did lie to you but you have phothographic memory remember? there is no way you forget those runes just like that**

-then...somebody made me forget?

 **heh exactly. some one is not an idiot anymore. -** hey!-  **yes, they made you forget. Magic is powerfull you see and who do you think has that amoutn of control in this city?**

 **-** you can't mean, bur he is so nice! he helped me!  **he helped clary not you** still  **he has done it once, he'll do anything with the right payment**

Simon lookes at the floor, as if all the answers he needed were right there -then...i guess a visit is next-This time he ran to the wizards home

**"yeah that's right keep walking little one, keep falling into the darkness. our queen is waiting"**

**\--------------------------------------**

 

Jace and Alec were knoking on the vampire lair. well Jace was knocking Alec just looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

-Raphael open up! open up you damn vampire- ordered the blod shadowhunter

\- i do believe that a vampire is already damned- said a voice behind them. the shadowhunters turned and stared at the latino, who wasn't wearing hs usual suit. but something more casual. dark jeans with some expensive shoes and a white shirt that really hugged his lean but very fit figure. Before Jace could say something Alec stepped up

-We need your help- he said in a strong voice, Raphael huffed when he heared the dark haired words -have your kin not done enough letting camille escape?

-it wasn't our fault- reclaimed Jace 

-Your girfriend entered without permission to our home, killed my people, threatened me, and let go a dangerous vampire who pretty muck kills fo fun. Asi que no me digas que no fue su culpa niño bonito (so don't tell me it wasn't your fault, pretty boy)- before Jace could answer back and make a mistake Alec interrupted him

-what clary did was irresponsable and i'm aware it could cause a war. Sadly it seems that even if i try to stop her some people- the black haired hunter looked at jace- decided to put a stranger over his duties and family. She is already facing punishement don't worry. however this visit is not about her but about the mun_vampire lewis

Raphael frowned -The traitor?- jace nodded, with a bitter face, still thinking about his parabatai comment - he's missing-

-and i care because? maldito polluelo metiendose en problemas- Spat the Latino

-Magnus found a dark demonic power coming from the boathouse, when we arrived the vampire wasn't there- informed Alec -we told him that maybe it was only a minor demon but he was so worried...scared almost-

at this Raphael started to worry -scared you say...magnus?- the both nodded -Simon is not here 

-we know- said Jace- but you know him more than we do, as a vampire- 

The latino looked at them and sighed while he oinched his nose bridge -ok, first let's go to Magnus first we have wasted enough time talking

 


	6. Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it has been a while, okay so i have no excuse i'm just lazy and suck with computer. Anyways to whomever might concern, enjoy this new chapter i tried to make it a little bit longer than usual.

Simion considered Magnus as a fatherly figure, sure there was Luke. But Luke was more for Clary than for him Magnus was tthe downolader's daddy, so to speak. Like a mafia boss. Him and Magnus never really connected and Simon knew that he was more of a bother than anything else, well Simon was a bother to everyone apparently. 

Enough swallowing in selfpity kid, just knock

Simon obeyed and knocked, but there was no answer. It was almost morning after all. The warlock surely would be either sleeping (with certain mad cat), or partying in some high calss club. The vampire forced the entry and stepped inside the house , walking to the catper on the living room , staining the propably ancient and very expensive carpet with that woman's blood.

-what should i say to Magnus when he comes back?- asked Simon

**Confront him** \- answered the voice

-i mean yeah that is the idea. But what if he gets mad or something? i can't exactly defend myself against one of the most powerfull warlock's wannabe in the whole freaking world!. i mean he is like a dumbledore, only that he is younger, and asian, shorter and way hotter, though dumbledore would probavly be a goo/

**Stop rambling for Zeus sake!** \- screamed the voice "Zeus?" - **you unfortunately are right** \- oh look british voice came back - **You cannot take down the prince of hell head on** -"prince of..w_what" though Simon - j **ust talk to him and we..** \- a noise i the front door interrupteed cought their attention - **they are here**

Simon swared he could almost see the glowing eyes inside his head

-Simon?- asked a rich golden voice, since when the voices had colors?

Simon looked back and saw grumpy cat, dick angel, daddy downloader and oh.....Rapha.

-uhhhhh hey guys!what brings you here?- simon asked in that innocent childlike voice again - i was only expecting magnus thougt -pouted the brunette.

-Sherman, How are you feeling?-

**FiNe -** said the voice sarcastically

Simon grinned and answered - fine!- However when Simon said this a tear fell down to his bloody hands. Alec and Jace noticed the bloody hands and Raphael could smeel the somewhat familiar but not known blood. Raphael growled and tensed when he recognised the blood as to one of Simon's relatives. Magnus stopped Raphael to calm him down. The air was tense and everyone was looking at the not anymore mundane, Five pairs of eyes fixed on him....wait six? Jce and Alec positioned themsleves to attack and Magnus eyes glowed while Rapha's fangs showed up. A pair of pitch black arms hugged Simon's small waist from behind.

 

 


End file.
